V

As I’ve grown up I’ve become more and more numb to people’s emotions. I’ve tried to block mine out for so long and have failed so many times. How can I look at the only person bringing me life, light and joy after I have dimmed them. Brought that beautiful aura lower and darker because that’s how I feel. Taken their joy, happiness and freedom away from them because I can’t hold onto my own. My anger, shame and fear have taken over my mind and the beauty around me. I’ve lost so much and have so much to lose but still that doesn’t change my actions and what’s worse is I’m taking the most beautiful thing I’ve ever found with me. How do you tell the person keeping you alive that you’re keeping her from living. I have already taken so much from her but can’t sacrifice myself. My dreams, the reality behind consciousness are terrible, worse than I’m willing to tell my closest friends. The fear and restless sleep is just a projection of my waking state. Why can’t I get back into that enlightened state I once had. It’s haunted my mind ever sense. The realization that gave me was straight from the divine and the experience unexplainable. Sometimes I tell people about it and I feel like they look at me and think no one like you could have that experience. And truly I don’t understand how I got there either. Either way it still couldn’t save me, the exact thing people strive to achieve their entire life for some reason I obtained for some reason the spirit opened my eyes to the oneness to the movie playing and I had such clarity of what was good and bad everything is so vibrant it’s insane nothing else matters anymore when you have those eyes. But ultimately all it did was hurt me, it made me search countess texts and bibles and religions so I could obtain it again and it seems every day I get farther away from it. I know how to get back to where I was but I feel so dead now it’s as if there’s no way I could come close to where I was. The guilt the grey tint I see my life in and my dreams are no where close to what the spirit would connect with. And once I lose the girl of my dreams the angle in my path to bring me home the girl I hurt so much and dimmed. Then I’ll go. I’ll have no hope. I’ll have no light besides my own mind.